I’ll never forget Christmas 2008. It was the first since my dad died suddenly one Sunday morning after a five-mile run.
He left behind seven grandchildren who adored him. He was the kind of papa who always was doing silly things to make them laugh, and who encouraged them to never ever give up.
That holiday, my mom was grieving, the kids were devastated, and my sisters and I were the generation in between trying to hold everything together.
The holidays can be a difficult time for many people and for many reasons. Maybe the story of my dad hits home for you because you’ve lost a loved one. Maybe your extended family doesn’t get along, or maybe you feel the loneliness of not having any family at all.
And then there’s the financial pressures that come with trying to make the holiday special for our loved ones. For many people, their mental well-being or addiction recovery is tested by all the stress or even the celebrations of the season.
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I’m lucky to be surrounded by behavioral health experts in my role as leader of CommQuest Services. I asked three of our finest to help all of us with their best advice for this holiday season: Addiction Medical Director Dr. Ashlie Martin, Chief Clinical Officer Michele Heberling, Ph.D., LPCC-S, and Alliance Clinical Coordinator Grete Heatherly, LPCC-S.
They all agreed: keep it simple, plan ahead, celebrate traditions, and set boundaries.
Keep it simple. This of all seasons is a tough one to set realistic expectations. We have an image of buying the perfect gift, cooking the best food, having the greatest parties, and making everyone happy.
Life is rarely perfect, and the holidays can be some of the most challenging times. Dr. Martin advises to guard against sweating the small stuff.
“Sometimes the stress we experience around the holidays gets compounded by little stressors like someone taking your spot in a busy parking lot or your mac and cheese over cooking because you lost track of time,” she said. “These things don’t take away the love and compassion that we share with our loved ones and even perfect strangers, which is what the holidays are all about.”
Plan ahead. Because that’s the way to keep it simple! Think now about all you have to do this holiday season to make sure the list isn’t too long and to give yourself enough time to prepare.
For me, it’s taking note of the last shipping dates for all the sites I like to shop at so I don’t have to go out and face the crowds that last week. Planning ahead helps avoid last-minute triggers that cause unnecessary stress.
Dr. Heberling says preparation is particularly important for people who are in addiction recovery. “Plan ahead for events with friends and family and rehearse responses to various questions and situations,” she said. “Bring your own beverage. Bring a sober support person. Have an escape plan.”
Establish simple, meaningful traditions. OK, so the younger me thought things like everyone getting dressed up for family photos in front of the tree ― with three kids and three dogs ― were that type of tradition.
Anyone who has ever fussed over getting the perfect family picture knows that I was very wrong! Heatherly advised we go for simple practices that focus on self-care, like sitting together reminiscing with a mug of cocoa or having holiday movie night.
“Enjoy one or two traditions that are meaningful, especially if you’ve lost a loved one,” she said. “If you don’t have traditions, create a new one that’s simple and brings joy!”
Also, don’t forget traditions that are just for you, which might include picking a day to sleep in or just beginning the day by taking a few moments to think about three things you’re grateful for, even if it’s just the fact that you’re alive and breathing.
For those with physical or mental health challenges, a focus on self-care is particularly important and can be as basic as maintaining medicines, appointments and, for those in recovery, meeting attendance. These can become the most important of holiday priorities.
Set boundaries. If a well-planned, simple, sentimental holiday is a challenge, be prepared to take control. Dr. Heberling advises: “Set boundaries for family time and activities, keeping in mind each person’s needs. That includes what activities you say ‘yes’ to, who you are around and how much time you spend with them.”
In the many holidays since that tough one, my family has come to treasure the traditions we have to remember my dad. And now as my family has grown to include significant others and a grandson and even more granddogs, I’m taking this advice from my colleagues to be purposeful in planning a simple holiday, focused on what matters to me, my family and our community.
Even with the best advice and planning, though, sometimes the holiday season can be overwhelming. Just know that same-day help is available from one of these great providers and their teams. They understand, and they’re here for anyone who needs them. You can find help on www.commquest.org.
Elaine Russell Reolfi is the CEO and president of CommQuest Services.
